How To Look Good Naked

We hear a lot about the importance of self-confidence. We want it for ourselves and we want to give it to our kids.

It’s a great idea that makes sense, but how important is it really? How much of an impact does it really have on our lives? And if we don’t have it, how do we get it?

A while ago, I watched the coolest show called How to Look Good Naked. (For those of you with satellite or cable, this show might not be new news. But to me with my 3 channels at home, watching this at a friend’s house was a real kick!)

When I saw that this show was coming up, I immediately assumed that it was about liposuction, breast implants and cellulite creams. (This seems to be the way of things these days.)

But it wasn’t. It wasn’t about changing how the woman looked physically at all. It was about changing how she felt about herself on the inside. Sure, they gave her a new haircut and put professional makeup on her, but that’s not the part of us that we’re worried about when we’re naked!!

What they showed her was that she was much more attractive to other people than she thought. They put pictures of her body in a bra and underwear on billboards and then videotaped the responses of complete strangers. The women just broke down when they heard things like “she looks great”, “she looks like a real woman”, “she’s got curves in all the right places”, etc.

After years of conditioning that the only thing that is attractive is Barbie-type proportions and “Nivea-smooth skin”, the idea that our aging, post-baby, less-than-firm bodies might be attractive is absolutely shocking to the point of upsetting!!

The next part of the show found our friend in her bra and undies heading into a room where six women were lined up – also in their bra and undies. These ladies were all kinds of sizes. They weighed anywhere from 150 lbs to 250 lbs. And they looked fabulous!!

The point of this exercise was to show our heroine how inaccurate her self-image was. She specifically did not like her hips. So, our ladies were all lined up in order of hip size. Our friend had to insert herself into the line where she believed she fit – by hip size. After inserting herself between two ladies who were much bigger than she was, she was absolutely shocked to find out what her actual measurements looked like on other people.

I thought this exercise was fascinating. But it wasn’t what really knocked me out. What really got me was how beautiful and attractive all of the women were! Most of them were what you would consider to be quite overweight – not bikini-material for sure. And yet as they stood there in nothing but their bra and underwear, they were absolutely striking!

But do you know what they had? Confidence and self-esteem. You could see it in their faces. You could see it in their posture. They stood tall with their one leg slightly bent like a model. They smiled and were happy to be there.

The truth is, that you couldn’t really “see” their “imperfections”. When you looked at them, all you saw was how beautiful and fantastic they were. This was very confusing to me. (One of those brain-melting experiences…)

We have been very well-trained that our appearance is all about our physical bodies. We believe that what other people see first and foremost is our bodies! But it isn’t true. We send out other things long before anyone sees our physical bodies.

People sense our confidence. They sense our happiness or sadness. What they notice the most about us is how we feel about us! Our physical bodies just add some colour.

This phenomenon has always confused me. There are people in my life who I have always thought of as being very attractive. But when you actually look at them physically, there is nothing particularly striking about their appearance. But there is a confidence or a kindness or a “something” about them that actually stores itself in my mind first. And that is what I remember about them. Their actual physical looks are completely secondary.

I have found that about myself. There are days that I am not feeling great about things and I’ll go to all lengths to “make myself up” – the hair, the make-up, the clothes – and the first thing someone says to me is, “Are you feeling alright today? You look a little down.”

Or then there are the days where I am feeling fantastic and on top of the world. It’s a lurk-at-home day and so I have chosen to hang about unshowered and in my grubbies. But then of course I have to slip into town for something. So off I go in my grubs to grab something from Zehrs.

So here’s me with crazy bed-head (I have a lot of curly hair), a bit of make-up smeared under one eye, ratty track pants and socks in my sandals and the first person that I see (who unfortunately recognizes me) says “Hey, how’re you doin’? You look fantastic! Have you lost weight?”

Again with the brain-melting!

The truth is that we are so much greater than our bodies. Society and the media like to focus on it because all they have is TV projections and magazine ads. All they have is two dimensions to work with and so the physical element is it for them.

But this is not our actual reality. What we see in the flesh is not really the flesh at all. The flesh is just there for colour. What people really see is who we are on the inside. If you love who you are, then other people will love who you are.

Whether you are attractive or not has nothing to do with how you think you look to other people. It is all about how you feel about yourself. And because this is just a mindset, it is the easiest to change. You don’t have to diet and exercise. You don’t have to try to look good for other people.

All you have to do is change your mind.

(This was first published in the Goderich Signal Star in May, 2008)

What Is Normal?

“At that time, my interest in therapy had not awakened,

but the pathological variants of so-called normality

fascinated me.”

Carl Jung, Memories, Dreams & Reflections

The pathological variants of so-called normality!!! Wow! What a mouthful.

Have you ever thought about what it means to be normal?

For many of us, this seems to be an overriding goal in our lives. We want to fit in. We want people to like us. We don’t want to stand out. We don’t want anyone to think that we were weird or different.

But what is this “normal” that we are trying to be like? What is this mould that we are trying to fit into? Is it really something that we want to be striving for? Is being “normal” really a worthy goal for us?

What Carl Jung’s quote really asks us is, “Is there any such thing as normal?”

What if there is no such thing? What if there are so many “variants of so-called normality” that the idea itself is ludicrous?

The idea of “normal” is that there is one particular way to be – that there is some kind of formula to follow so that you can be “like everyone else”. But what if it actually doesn’t exist?

The next time you walk down a street, look at the people around you. Everyone is different. Some are tall and some are short. Some are skinny some are heavy. There are brunettes, blondes, redheads, and everything in between. There are lawyers and doctors and mothers and shop clerks. There are athletes and artists and academics and musicians. There are rich and poor. There are happy people, sad people, angry people, healthy people and sick people.

Can you pick out the one that you would call “normal”? Can you divide the people into normal and not-normal groups? And if there was someone walking with you, would they pick out the same “normal” group as you did? I doubt it.

The reality is that there is no such thing – by design. We aren’t supposed to fit into any mould. We are each supposed to be absolutely and wonderfully unique.

Have you ever really thought about the fact that we each have a unique fingerprint? At the time of this writing, there are over 6.5 billion people on the planet. That means that there are over 6.5 billion absolutely unique fingerprints walking around right now! That’s truly a phenomenal feat of creativity considering the square inch of space that we’re talking about!

This is no accident! As unique as our fingerprints are, so are we. We aren’t supposed to be like anyone else. We aren’t supposed to look or act like anyone but ourselves.

We are each supposed to like different things, have different gifts, have different challenges and want different things out of life. This is how we are designed.

But how often do we compare ourselves to others? Does this even make any sense? Is it even possible to compare us to each other? Or are we constantly comparing apples to oranges? Are the oranges always saying that the apples should be “orangier”? And that the oranges should be “apple-ier”?

In reality, the end result of all comparisons should simply be “YEP. WE’RE DIFFERENT”. That is all that we know. There is no better or worse. There is only different.

How cool is that? Imagine - no more comparisons. No more wishing that we were different. No more feeling better or worse off than anyone else.

What if we didn’t spend another minute criticizing ourselves and wishing we were different or better? What if we spent our life just exploring this bizarre and wonderful creation that is us?

We’d be so busy finding out what makes us tick that we would have to cancel all of those sessions with our counsellors and psychologists. We’d have to throw out all of our self-help books and just live in our minds and bodies!

And what’s even better is that we would stop looking at other people and wishing that they would change. We would stop expecting people to act more like us and think more like us. Each encounter with our spouse, our children, our family and friends would be a gloriously unique encounter with each person truly honouring exactly who the other person was!

Seems impossible, eh? No more judgement of each other. No more gossiping about each other. No more co-dependent relationships where each person has to be like the other in order to get along. Imagine…

So how do we do it?

Start with you. Love who you are. Embrace all of your quirks and follies along with your strengths and passions. Just be you.

I mean, who are you comparing yourself to anyhow?

(This column was first published in the Goderich Signal Star in August 2008)