Being Careful of Our Goals

We`ve been in renovation for a while now. Partly it`s because we moved into a "fixer-upper". And partly it's renovations from the tornado last year.

This morning over coffee, my husband remarked that there are lots of people that would be crazy living in constant renovation like this - that he was glad we weren't like that.

Hmm... The truth is that we are definitely kind of slack about these kinds of things. Maybe it was 17 years of living on a dairy farm where the work was never-ending has burned us out. Or maybe we're just too busy to get too wrapped up in it. But the truth is, I don't want to miss out on REAL LIFE because we've set a renovation goal.

I had a really weird thought last August on the day of the tornado.  As my daughter and I were coming up out of our basement and we saw the devastation all around us, it was horrible to see all of our neighbours' houses destroyed (ours only had minor damage).

Now, the mind is a weird thing and I don't know when I actually had this thought (and I know that this has nothing to do with them personally - that it's my stuff), but I remember looking across the road at our friends' house which was destroyed. It was a cute little wartime home that they had really spruced up inside - it was really lovely. Well, our friends were devastated. They had just grabbed their infant daughter out of her bed just in time before her room was filled with debris and glass. It was a horrible time for them...

And what goes through my mind? "Man, I hope that they didn't bust their butts getting the house cleaned and fixed up that morning."

I know it's sick and ridiculous. But that moment has haunted me ever since.

That thought haunts me every time I get antsy about getting a job finished. You know the time - when something in your brain says "You should get "this" job done. You just have to put your mind to it. You just have to get the kids helping. You just have to get your priorities straight. Don't you want to get this done? Wouldn't it be nice to live in a finished house?..."

But some days, I just don't feel like it... finishing just feels hard... I'd rather relax or hang out with the kids or go to the beach...But now, on those days when "The General" in my head starts to lecture me, I think about my friends' beautiful little house and I think, "What if we make ourselves miserable getting it done and it all gets blown away in a tornado?"

Eventually a day comes where we truly WANT to work on the renovations. And often, there is some interesting new thoughts that inspire us to do something slightly different than we would've done if we'd pushed and things turn out even better than we'd expected.

The truth is, I think that the destruction of the tornado and the suffering of everyone around us really helped me to get my priorities in line.

For the first six months, I walked out of my house into a war zone. For the last few months, thank goodness, it's a construction zone. And every time it reminds me how transient our "stuff" is. It reminds me to really focus on the things that matter - for me, relationships, personal growth and the pursuit of joy.

And sometimes that joy is truly painting a wall and laying new flooring. But it is definitely crystal clear when it isn't. And I'm not giving up ENJOYING MY LIFE just to get the job done. :)

Loving Ourselves Once and For All

Many of us struggle with self-worth issues. We spend a huge amount of time and energy trying to make our bodies look like something that we can be proud of. For some it looks like eating disorders. For others it's extreme workouts. It can even be done through extreme yogic discipline which gives it a righteous, spiritual twist - but it's a twist nonetheless.

For me, I wasn't so different from other girls who were obsessed with their body shape. My friends were all size 0 - I wasn't. I thought I was fat. I wasn't. But it started me on a rollercoaster of dieting, extreme exercise - even bulimia in my teens.

So, I am reading a book called "Body and Soul: Honouring Marion Woodman". What follows is an excerpt that describes a time in Marion's life when she was very anorexic and struggling with self-worth and so many of the things that many of us struggle with.

I found so much truth in this, I had to share it. Thank you Marion.

During her severe bout with dysentery in India, Marion had an experience that turned her life around. Too weak to stand, she fell on the tile floor of her bathroom.

How long I was there, I do not know.  I came to consciousness on the ceiling, my spirit looking down at my body caked in dry vomit and excrement. I saw it lying there helpless, still, and then I saw it take in a breath. ‘Poor dummy,’ I thought. ‘Don’t you know you’re dead?’ And mentally gave it a kick. Suddenly I remembered my little Cairn terrier. ‘I wouldn’t treat Gyronne that way,’ I thought. ‘I wouldn’t treat a dog the way I’m treating my own body. I wonder what will become of it if I leave it here? Will they burn it? Will they send it home?”
She wondered why her body wouldn’t stop breathing, why her spirit was not taking advantage of this opportunity to finally free itself: “I’ve been wanting to get out all my life. And here I’m out. All I have to do is take off,” she thought.
“Paralyzed by the immensity of my decision - either to leave my body there or go back into it - I saw it take another breath. I was overcome with compassion for this dear creature lying on the floor faithfully waiting for me to return, faithfully taking in one breath after another, confident that I would not forsake it, more faithful to me than I to it.
“All my life I had hated my body. It was not beautiful enough. It was not thin enough. I had driven it, starved it, stuffed it, cursed it, and even now kicked it, and there it still was, trying to breathe, convinced that I would come back and take it with me, too dumb to die. And I knew the choice was mine. Most of my life I had lived outside my body, my energy disconnected from my feelings, except when I danced. Now it was my choice - either to move into my body and live my life as a human being, or to move out into what I imagined would be freedom. I also thought of what a blow it would be to Ross, not to know what had happened to me, and did not want my body to be burned on the ghats in India. A profound shift took place: an overwhelming sweetness and love came into me for this poor thing on the floor.
“I saw it take another breath and there was something so infinitely innocent and trusting, so exquisitely familiar, in that movement that I chose to come down from the ceiling and move in. Together we dragged ourselves to the little bed. I did my best to take care of it. It was as if I could hear it whispering, ‘Rest, perturbed spirit, rest.” For days, perhaps nine days, I stayed in the womb of the Ashoka [hotel].”

Here's to loving ourselves, once and for all.

The lovely Marion Woodman.

Confessions of a Newbie Nudist #2

So, it's day three on the "clothing optional beach". By this time, we were relaxed enough to really enjoy ourselves. In fact, all kinds of funny thoughts were now allowed to run through my mind (and out my mouth). I would be lying there doing a Logic Puzzle and I'd turn to Wayne and say, "Hey Wayne! Guess what? I'm doing a Logic Puzzle on the beach TOTALLY NAKED!!"  Bahahahaha!!!

Then, the fireman from Illinois on the chaise lounge next to me would strike up a conversation. An hour later, I would roll over and say to Wayne, "Hey Wayne!! Guess what? I just talked for an hour to a naked man who WASN'T YOU!!!"  Bahahahahaha!!!!

Soon, I was able to actually look at people's bodies (not just at their eyes). The amazing thing is that it was really nice. There were old people and young. There were heavy and skinny. But the amazing thing is that none of it mattered. Sure, there was the odd woman with a "perfect" body and fake boobs. (Did I look at them? Sure I did. She was my age. After nursing two children and 40+ years of gravity, mine just don't look like that. It was like staring at an alien or something... something just wasn't right...  But to each his own... It's all good.)

What was really interesting was how the women appeared so different. Bathing suits "cut us up" into legs, belly, boobs, etc. We are able to be critical and say "My legs have cellulite" or "my belly is fat", or "my boobs are too small", etc. But I wonder if this is just because we "frame" these parts with a bathing suit. Because once you're naked, you're just naked. You become this "whole" person. And the women - old or young - heavy or skinny - just looked like beautiful women. They were whole. They were just wonderful specimens of femininity. You had to look pretty closely and critically to see the sagging breasts or skin or cellulite. Of course it was there. But for me, it all got lost in the whole, beautiful picture.

Then there were the men. Sorry guys, but naked men aren't quite as physically interesting. Basically take off the swimming trunks and you just add a couple of extra parts - nothing particularly intriguing happens from a sight perspective. What IS profound though is how once a man is naked, there seems to be an amazing "leveling of the playing field". There is no posturing (I mean you can't posture while you're naked..). There is no hierarchy of social positions. There just isn't the need for the "false machismo" and stuff. They were just naked men and everyone was in the same boat.

The result of this was this amazingly relaxed atmosphere.

Then add to this relaxed atmosphere, nakedness everywhere. I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't a sexual component. But even though we were surrounded by sexuality, there was none of the pressure or tension that normally accompanies it. It felt like the most natural and healthy thing.

Truthfully, I miss it. There was something so natural, relaxed and freeing about the whole experience. I highly recommend it - definitely worth being on your bucket list.

Confessions of a Newbie Nudist #1

The truth is that I specifically chose the resort "Breezes" in Negril, Jamaica because it had a "clothing optional" beach. Call it something on my bucket list - some strange exhibitionist desire - some rebellion against "the Man"? Whatever, at some point in my life, I was going to attend some kind of nudist resort. And here was my chance!

Truthfully, my husband Wayne had his doubts - and so did I!! The first day that we were at the resort was a write-off due to travelling anyway, but we would sneak by the corridor that led to the "clothing optional" area and take the odd peak in - saw a bit of skin...just enough to make us nervous.

On Day Two, after a "few" rum punches, we packed our bag (with what you ask? SUNSCREEN!!!!) and headed over!!  As we rounded the corner that led between the buildings, suddenly there they were!! Naked bodies everywhere (excuse my 10-year-old-ness here... just telling the facts!)!! Tall naked bodies drinking beer at the bar, naked bodies sitting by the hot tub, naked bodies walking along the beach... Honestly, it's not that I mind seeing nakedness - I actually like it... But my brain had never quite seen SO MUCH!! It was kind of blowing my mind.

So, we tried not to look at anyone and hurried through the bar/pool/hottub area to find a secluded place on the beach where we could be inconspicuous. (??) So, we found our chaise lounges, laid out our towels, looked at each other with a kind of shared fear, took a mutual deep breath and took our clothes off and laid down.

So, we'd done it. We were now officially naked on a beach with a whole pile of strangers. My mind was absolutely reeling - with what? Who knows? With every shred of self-consciousness I had ever felt in my life. As a naturally shy person, this was blowing my mind. So, I closed my eyes and just tried to enjoy the wonderful feeling of sun on skin... Aaahhh...

Just as I was totally relaxed, I looked up to see a fully clothed waiter standing over me with those beautiful, relaxed Jamaican smiles asking me if I wanted a drink. "No, I'm fine"... And another of my brain cells popped - how could I talk to people who worked there who were fully clothed while I was totally naked? Bloody hell!!

It's funny how being on the beach actually turned into a Buddhist Koan for me. In Buddhism, students are given sayings called koans that will hopefully cause their brains to disengage long enough to let them experience true reality. Well, every moment that I spent on that beach fully disengaged my brain. It is impossible to describe the effect on my mind except that my normal rational mind simply couldn't make sense of it - and so my brain truly went on vacation as well!!

Stay tuned for more stories from "the beach"!!