Loving Ourselves Once and For All

Many of us struggle with self-worth issues. We spend a huge amount of time and energy trying to make our bodies look like something that we can be proud of. For some it looks like eating disorders. For others it's extreme workouts. It can even be done through extreme yogic discipline which gives it a righteous, spiritual twist - but it's a twist nonetheless.

For me, I wasn't so different from other girls who were obsessed with their body shape. My friends were all size 0 - I wasn't. I thought I was fat. I wasn't. But it started me on a rollercoaster of dieting, extreme exercise - even bulimia in my teens.

So, I am reading a book called "Body and Soul: Honouring Marion Woodman". What follows is an excerpt that describes a time in Marion's life when she was very anorexic and struggling with self-worth and so many of the things that many of us struggle with.

I found so much truth in this, I had to share it. Thank you Marion.

During her severe bout with dysentery in India, Marion had an experience that turned her life around. Too weak to stand, she fell on the tile floor of her bathroom.

How long I was there, I do not know.  I came to consciousness on the ceiling, my spirit looking down at my body caked in dry vomit and excrement. I saw it lying there helpless, still, and then I saw it take in a breath. ‘Poor dummy,’ I thought. ‘Don’t you know you’re dead?’ And mentally gave it a kick. Suddenly I remembered my little Cairn terrier. ‘I wouldn’t treat Gyronne that way,’ I thought. ‘I wouldn’t treat a dog the way I’m treating my own body. I wonder what will become of it if I leave it here? Will they burn it? Will they send it home?”
She wondered why her body wouldn’t stop breathing, why her spirit was not taking advantage of this opportunity to finally free itself: “I’ve been wanting to get out all my life. And here I’m out. All I have to do is take off,” she thought.
“Paralyzed by the immensity of my decision - either to leave my body there or go back into it - I saw it take another breath. I was overcome with compassion for this dear creature lying on the floor faithfully waiting for me to return, faithfully taking in one breath after another, confident that I would not forsake it, more faithful to me than I to it.
“All my life I had hated my body. It was not beautiful enough. It was not thin enough. I had driven it, starved it, stuffed it, cursed it, and even now kicked it, and there it still was, trying to breathe, convinced that I would come back and take it with me, too dumb to die. And I knew the choice was mine. Most of my life I had lived outside my body, my energy disconnected from my feelings, except when I danced. Now it was my choice - either to move into my body and live my life as a human being, or to move out into what I imagined would be freedom. I also thought of what a blow it would be to Ross, not to know what had happened to me, and did not want my body to be burned on the ghats in India. A profound shift took place: an overwhelming sweetness and love came into me for this poor thing on the floor.
“I saw it take another breath and there was something so infinitely innocent and trusting, so exquisitely familiar, in that movement that I chose to come down from the ceiling and move in. Together we dragged ourselves to the little bed. I did my best to take care of it. It was as if I could hear it whispering, ‘Rest, perturbed spirit, rest.” For days, perhaps nine days, I stayed in the womb of the Ashoka [hotel].”

Here's to loving ourselves, once and for all.

The lovely Marion Woodman.